A common struggle for couples is the inability to stay present during sex. When you’re thinking about everything from what to add to your grocery list to an argument you had with a friend, it can be difficult to feel aroused and connected with your partner.
However, there are things you can do to stop overthinking during sex and fully enjoy the experience.
1. Focus on the present moment
When you’re in your head, it can be hard to connect with your partner physically or emotionally. This is especially true during sex, where you might think about how your body looks or if you’re having the right rhythm. Luckily, there are ways to get out of your head and focus on pleasure.
One way to do this is to practice mindfulness. This means paying attention to the present moment and noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgement. It’s something you can practice during everyday activities, like when you notice how the water feels against your skin in the shower or while you’re eating and experiencing each bite.
Another way to be present is by focusing on the sensory journey during sex. This involves noticing different sensations in your body, such as the feel of your partner’s hand on your back or the smell of their cologne. You can also use visualization techniques to connect with your partner during sex.
It’s important to remember that if you’ve experienced trauma or abuse, this may make it more difficult to be present. But Lieberman says that it’s possible to advocate for yourself during sex and say what you need, even if it makes your partner uncomfortable. “This will reduce anxiety and increase trust,” he says. “And it will help you have more conscious sexual experiences.” Ultimately, the key is to try to forget what you think you’re supposed to feel and focus on what actually feels good.
2. Practice deep breathing
Practicing deep breathing will help you stay grounded in the moment and calm your nervous system during sexual excitement. Deep breaths can also increase blood flow, which helps maintain erections.
It takes practice to become fully present and aware of pleasure and sensation without distracting thoughts, but it’s worth the effort. To begin, try paying attention to how you breathe and notice how different types of stimulation (touch, movement, toys) affect your body.
Try to focus on the pleasure you feel, rather than how it looks or what your partner might think about your technique. Overanalyzing these details can cause a lot of anxiety, which can detract from the experience. If you’re able to focus on the pleasure you’re feeling, you may find that your thoughts about technique melt away as you get lost in it.
You can also practice focusing on pleasure during masturbation to get used to the sensations before trying it during sex. Just be sure to take it slowly at first until you’re accustomed to the feeling. The more you practice this, the more it will become second nature. Eventually, you’ll be able to concentrate on pleasure without even thinking about it! This can help you overcome performance nerves and enjoy the deed without worrying about what your partner thinks of your oral technique or if you’re doing it right.
3. Reframe your thoughts
Overthinking during sex can be caused by many different things. Some of these thoughts are distracting and keep you from enjoying sex. Other negative thoughts may focus on sexual performance or worry about having orgasms. It’s important to challenge these types of thoughts because they can have a significant impact on your enjoyment of sex.
One of the most common reasons for overthinking during sex is that you believe certain sexual thoughts are wrong or shameful. It’s important to remember that a lot of sexual thinking is natural, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Other common negative thoughts during sex are worries about performing well enough and fears about getting pregnant or contracting STIs. You can try to counter these types of thoughts by focusing on the physical sensations you are feeling, and by adding pleasure factors to your sex, such as music or scented candles.
If you are having a hard time letting go of your negative thoughts, it’s helpful to talk to your partner. They can help you identify what is causing your anxiety and provide comfort and reassurance to ease your concerns. They can also help you find strategies to stay present and enjoy sex, and can serve as a model for you. They can also offer feedback on your sex skills, so that you can work on improving them.
4. Talk to your partner
When your thoughts start getting too much, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner. Especially if they are sex related, like what kind of tickler they prefer or if they’d like to try a vegan leather flogger instead of one made from rope. It’s also a great way to make sure you’re both on the same page about your sexual preferences and can avoid surprises down the road.
Just be sure to bring up the topic in a non-threatening, non-accusatory manner and choose a time that’s not right before or after sex. You also want to keep the conversation in a place where you can have some privacy, without distractions and interruptions.
It may seem awkward at first, but the more you have these conversations, the easier it will become. And your partner will likely appreciate that you’re being open about what you need and want in bed. It might even help you both feel more confident and close in the bedroom. Just remember to stay positive and don’t be afraid to turn it into a playful, flirty discussion. If you find it still difficult to communicate about sex, consider talking to a therapist who is specially trained in sex issues. Their professional expertise can help you overcome these challenges and create a more satisfying, loving relationship.
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