There is no “normal” amount of sex in a relationship, and it can vary from person to person. If you and your partner are happy with your sex frequency, then that’s all that matters.
But if you aren’t, then it may be time to take some steps back. Here are some reasons why.
1. You’re in love
Many couples go through a period of limerence at the start of their relationships. This phase can last from 18 months to two years, and it’s a time when your brain releases chemicals that bond you to your new partner. These feelings of love and affection can make you want to have lots of sex with your new partner.
That’s why it’s common for couples to have a lot of sexual activity at the beginning of their relationship. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are in love. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page emotionally, it can lead to problems in the future.
Many dating experts advise people to hold off on sex until they’re in a fully committed relationship, and that’s fine if that’s what you’re both looking for. But if you’re in a relationship with someone that you really like, it shouldn’t be difficult to find a way to have lots of sex without jeopardizing your chances of ever being together long-term. Just be sure to communicate what turns you on and what doesn’t, and plan accordingly. For example, if you’re both big fans of sexy candles, sensual music, and hot baths, you can still enjoy intimate moments that will give you and your partner plenty of pleasure. You just need to have a little bit of patience, and remember that you can also increase your sexual desire with scheduled sex.
2. You’re nervous
When you’re first starting a relationship, you might feel nervous around your new partner. Those butterflies in your stomach and fast heartbeat aren’t just signs of romance – they’re also the body’s subtle clues that you’re falling for someone.
But the nervousness doesn’t have to be negative. It can actually help you be a little more thoughtful about your choices and make better decisions when it comes to having sex. It’s important to have open communication with your partner about what you both want from sex and how often you’re comfortable with it, Hogi says. That way, if your needs or desires aren’t being met, you can discuss it and find ways to compromise.
Whether you’re feeling nervous or not, it’s always best to be respectful of your partner’s boundaries. You should never force yourself to have sex with a person you don’t want to, or that makes you uncomfortable.
If you do have a desire to have sex, consider scheduling it for a time when you’ll both be feeling physically and emotionally aroused. This will also give you the opportunity to talk about sexual history and sexual health, which is important for long-term relationships. A recent study found that couples who have sex too early in a relationship may experience lower levels of satisfaction with their relationship, particularly for women.
3. You’re excited
If you find yourself feeling excited when the thought of sex comes up with your partner, then that’s probably a good sign. It’s a good indication that you both like and respect each other sexually and that you can communicate your wants and needs in a healthy way.
However, don’t get hung up on how excited you feel about sex with your partner—it’s important to remember that a relationship is about more than just the physical act. A deeper emotional connection is one of the hallmarks of a healthy, long-term relationship, and focusing on that can be just as sexy as the thrill of getting it on.
If you’re able to create an emotional bond, then the sex will be more of a release for both of you. That’s not to say that you can’t have sex early in the relationship. It’s just that if you do, it could cloud your judgment about whether or not the person is right for you.
It’s also important to reframe the narrative that libido naturally decreases in long-term relationships. Many couples still have hot, satisfying sex lives years into their relationships. So if you’re worried about your sex drive, try talking to a sex therapist or sex educator to figure out what might be causing it. They can help you come up with new strategies to reignite your fire.
4. You’re insecure
Insecurity is normal, but it can be detrimental to a relationship if you take it too far. Doubting every little thing, stalking social media to see what your partner is doing when you’re not there, and constantly feeling threatened by your partner are all signs of extreme insecurity that could have a negative impact on your relationship. If you feel this way, it’s important to seek help with a professional talk therapist who can teach you different techniques to manage these negative feelings and replace them with healthy behaviors that support your relationship.
As for the frequency of sex, the amount you have with your partner can ebb and flow depending on many factors like your mood, hormone levels, and other things going on in your life. If you feel that you’re not having enough, it’s best to communicate that openly and honestly with your partner. A therapist can also help you work through any past traumas or relationships that may have led to your insecurity so you can develop a sense of self-compassion that allows you to let go of the fear and worry you experience.
In the end, it’s up to you and your partner to decide how much sex is appropriate at the beginning of your relationship. Just be sure to have open communication with one another and focus on making your time together as happy and fulfilling as possible.
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