Initiating sex is an important part of healthy marriage. Yet some couples struggle to make it work.
It may be that one or both spouses don’t feel confident about their sex skills. Or there may be past sexual abuse or other problems.
Every couple has a unique “language” for expressing desire. This might include back-rubs, eye contact, and flirtatious behavior.
1. Talk About It
Initiating sex is one of the biggest problems that brings long-term couples into marriage counseling. Some couples struggle to have frequent sexual encounters, and this can lead to serious marital problems in other areas of the relationship.
While it may be tempting to blame the woman or the man for not taking the lead in sex, both of them have to play a part in the intimate dynamics that they co-create. For example, work stress or exhaustion after a long day may cause a spouse to be less physically available than usual. Relationship tensions or fears of rejection can also dampen a partner’s desire for physical intimacy.
However, a lack of sex can also be caused by miscommunication and misunderstanding. It’s important for both partners to talk about their expectations and needs, explains Klapow. He recommends asking your spouse how often they want you to initiate sex and then comparing that to your own sex frequency with them.
Women also tend to be more subtle than men in expressing their sexual interest. They may flirt with you, compliment your appearance, or wear lingerie that makes them feel sexy. A wife who is confidently showing that she wants you sexually may be more attractive to you than you realize. Initiating sex is about more than verbal cues and asking outright; it’s also about non-verbal expressions of sexual desire, such as kissing a little bit deeper or running your hands over her body in a more seductive way.
2. Ask Her What She Wants
It can be hard to know what your partner wants in terms of sex and lovemaking, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask. If you’re feeling like it’s always you who takes the lead in the bedroom, having a conversation with her about what turns her on sexually can help. You can also try some of the more creative ways to get a woman excited about sex, such as leaving flower petals on her path to the bedroom or greeting her in a costume when she gets home from work.
It’s also worth noting that your wife may send you a variety of subtle signals that she’s in the mood to be intimate, such as flirting with you, touching your arm or back, or giving you an extended hug. These are often overlooked by men, but they can be a powerful indication that she’s ready to go deeper into your relationship.
When you’re talking to her about what she wants, it’s important to do it in a private place so that she doesn’t feel pressured or embarrassed. It’s also a good idea to keep it lighthearted and playful, so that she doesn’t become nervous or worried about the conversation. This way, she’ll be more likely to open up and share what she really wants.
3. Take Turns
Many couples who struggle with sex feel that it’s a man’s job to initiate. This can make a husband or wife feel unfulfilled, especially if they have children and other responsibilities that take up a lot of their time and energy.
One thing that can help is for both of the partners to take turns stepping up sexually. This can be an effective way to break out of a routine and keep things fresh.
It can also be a good idea to try to subtly send your spouse signals that you want to get intimate. For example, wearing a little lingerie or sending them flirty text messages can let them know that you’re in the mood to have sex. It’s important to remember that each of us has different levels of sexual interest, so it’s important to understand where your spouse is at in terms of their sex desire.
If you find that your spouse never takes the lead in sex, then it might be worth considering what might be keeping her from wanting to have sex. Sexual desire can be dampened by stress, illness, or a variety of other issues. Unhealed sexual trauma, harmful religious messages, pornography, or simply not feeling like getting undressed are all common reasons why a woman may be reluctant to take the lead in sex.
4. Massage
Whether or not sex is the goal, a sensual massage can be highly romantic and sexually stimulating. Use the time to get to know your wife better, while making her feel loved and desired. This can help increase intimacy and trust in your relationship.
If you want to make this session extra intimate, begin by giving her a light back massage. You can then gradually move downward to her shoulders, neck, arms, and hands. Gently squeezing her skin between your thumb and fingers is especially erotic, and can help to create the feeling of anticipation that leads into sex. Once you’ve stimulated the erogenous zones, you can focus on her buttocks, which are another very horny area.
You can also use this time to communicate in sexy ways, such as rubbing your breasts against her and kissing the top of her head. The key is to find a way to communicate in sexy, playful ways that will not only turn her on but will help her to feel safe and secure.
For instance, some couples find it helpful to schedule a specific sex night on the calendar. This helps to ensure that physical intimacy is prioritized and makes it less likely to fall by the wayside, due to busy schedules and other commitments. You could also use creative, fun and non-sexual cues to signal your interest in her, such as leaving flower petals on the path to the bedroom or arriving dressed up.
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